Restless

The clock ticks and tocks

And my heart is on the rocks

I've hit a turbulent tide

There's no telling when this will subside

Yet I see no warning for me to heed

I feel closer to being freed

Maybe one day I'll learn to let go

But for today the answer is no

Despite the strife and struggle inside

I perceive peace on this tide.

The caged bird does sing

and so the caged bird does sing

i thought with a smile

for it posses a knowledge

one often forgot

that dreams make life worth living

and that the promise

of faith will not leave it wanting

knowing one day soon

the iron chains will come off

Waiting

I sat and waited 

 summer's fresh breeze

caressed my cheeks gently

the evening sun colored the field

and the birds' sweet melodies 

softly sang me goodnight

I sat and waited

I did not utter a cry

For peace had come o'er me

Reassuring my soul this summer's nigh'

Il faut chercher la joie de vivre

Look for the joys that surround you... live a life worth living. <3

Ciao i miei amici, today I challenge you to amidst your circumstances - whether blissful and bright or troublesome and turbulent - to find 10 - or maybe even just 5 - things that you are grateful for.  I'll even give you one to start:

You are wonderfully and fearfully made.

Love always,
Aina

SURPRISE!!

Why hello again my dear blog, didn't expect to see me back so soon did you? But SURPRISE, or rather SURPRISE (in case you couldn't tell, that was "sur-preese" à l'intonation française... the catch phrase of the days of the French Academy... un souvenir que je cheris beaucoup :) ) ... I have returned with a vengeance! (not really but I've always wanted to say that, and beware, one day I will!! ;) )

So what am I up to today, you ask?  What sort of new revelation am I about to unfold to my loyal - or so I like to imagine (and I do have quite a good imagination, if I do say so myself) - readers?  Alas, there are some things that I will not be so... expressly candid about... but I do intend to write in such a way that you get a certain gist of things.

At this point I will say utterly apologetically that this blog post will not follow any sort of linear thinking... I intend to reflect my current state of mind which is, I must confess, not following any sort of logic at all.  Sorry, not sorry.

(I have all summer to be logical at my systems internship and with probability homework, and so I've allowed myself sporadic moments of... honest insanity) 

All this being said...

I'm a structured kinda gal. (Hello, engineer much?)  I wake up in the morning and fall into routine.  I have a mental list of things I must get done and and when I've accomplished what I set out to do - if not more - I feel satisfied.  "Good job, Aina" I say to myself, "another day done."  It's my perfectionist nature, my ambition... and my crutch.  It's good for "getting ahead," but it also becomes an armor I hide behind as the safety of the expected and a fall back for my self-worth as I work hard to hide any imperfections I perceive within myself.

But it's funny what God's grace does to ya.  Ever since that last post back in May, I've been praying for God's healing.  I've been trying to emulate the woman who'd been ill for so long... her courage in reaching out to Christ... her confidence in His healing.  I've been recognizing that Christ sees me... He sees me everyday in my strivings and in my imperfections.  He knows how broken I am and - guess what - He not only knows how to heal, but He wants to.

And so, slowly and gently, I've begun to find that I can do it - I can embrace my imperfections, I can be brave, I can find beauty in spontaneous moments that were never part of the plan.

I've realized that it's all about being vulnerable.  Because to be vulnerable is to be open to love.  It is alone the way we can love others and allow them to love us back.

Now, I'm beginning to embrace my vulnerability and to truly love my imperfections because I know that they are the indelible marks that make me me.  And with it is coming freedom.  And with it is even coming faith and trust in the Lord.

So, to conclude this post that I actually had no intention of writing today (but was a product of one of those spontaneous events, which, let me just say featured a very, well not composed Joy (looking up antonyms for composed was amusing and would be probably pretty revealing to any readers as to the situation I am sorta describing) who lost any verbosity she otherwise possessed):
Letting go of expectations and embracing imperfections - this, I am finding, is the true way to leading a joyful and fulfilled life.

Returning soon... :)

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. 

I've neglected my blog in the past month with the craziness of finals, then relaxation at home, and now with the utterly hectic schedule that I've this summer (that involves a course, a internship (yay!) and some other activities I've assimilated into my day...).  Never fear, I will be back soon (promise) with some updates.  Let me just say though, since my last post, the Lord has been SO GOOD.

Peace and love,

Joy Marie

A Confession and A Revelation

I have a confession to make.

I have a crush.

Oh yes, a crush.  I say this unabashedly, unashamedly, even with a a stint of pride, acknowledging that I'm still 19... my teen angst has not yet subsided and I don't have to acquire a false sense of maturity to accompany my 20's for another 3 months!

That being said...

I've had a lot of qualms about my feelings for the duration of this crush, because (here comes a  shocker!) crushes are painful. And so in questioning this pain, I've constantly asked myself "Should I feel this way?" and "Am I just emotionally using him?" and chastised myself with "  I don't even know him!  So I better stop this silly daydreaming nonsense!!"

But this is not another "emotional chastity" post - there are plenty of those out there (believe me, I've done my research (on a side note, compulsive Type A personality, anyone?) ). No, I've gone through the guilty part of liking him, and reached a point when I had to surrender my feelings up to God*, recognizing that I cannot control my desires, but knowing that ultimately... He knows what is best and what He has in store for me is greater than my wildest dreams.

*(note: read tell God "God, I'm putting my emotions in a box, and giving that box to you and walking away"... 3 seconds later:  "God, that didn't work, please let him like me too!!!! Please let me talk to him!!!  Can we just be friends at least, God, please... PLEASE???!")

For now, however, I have a crush on a guy that (from what I can tell) is a strong man in Christ, intelligent, handsome (allow me to stop here and just call him a Catholic McDreamy), and my heart soars at the idea that maybe, maybe, if I work up the courage to say something... something could happen.  My heart does yearn for this.

And this crush, in ways he is completely unaware of (I derive much internal amusement from this thought), has taught me some good things.  It's funny how God works through people... even when they don't know it ;)

This experience with him has taught me that... a crush isn't bad.  It's a reflection of a desire in our hearts.  God makes attraction happen, it's part of being human.  However, there is a reason for that pain that comes with the excitement, and in my case it results from a fear of taking a chance.

When you never take a chance, you instantly crush any hopes you may have had.  How can you expect or even hope for good things if you do not reach for something?  If you don't, you are automatically qualifying that something as unattainable.  In effect, you are crushing any hope. (ouchhh...)

But why?  Why the fear of taking a chance?  Why the fear of even talking to him?? It all comes down to one self-belief, one I've struggled with for the majority of my 19 and 3/4 years... I'm not good enough. That internal voice emerges when the possibility (however much of a stretch it may be) of love arises and tells me Joy, you are just not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, athletic enough, poised enough, funny enough, mature enough, holy enough. One look at you, Joy, and he will find you lacking.

And so, I look down when he passes by.  I "casually" never get to shake his hand during the sign of peace during mass.  I avoid chances to talk to him no matter how much I contradictorily desire those chances to arise.  I am scared of vulnerability and afraid to show my brokenness, and I fear that if love were ever to arise, he (or whoever) would see me as I am and have it be too much and not enough.


Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”
 Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
 -Matthew 9:20-22

Amidst all this turmoil, one truth stands out. He who knows all and loves us beyond belief has already seen us.  Jesus has seen the depths of our soul, He knows our hurts, our scars, our desires, our joys.  He wants to heal us, and if only we have faith in Him, like the woman from the Gospel of Matthew, He will.

So what can I take away from my crush?  That I should be unafraid to be seen, because Jesus, who loves me without end, has already seen me.  That He knows my wounds and that I can have faith that he is healing me.

Finally, the Father desires us to be happy and experience true joy.  So let's work to be confident in Him and His love, mercy, and goodness so that we may face life without fear, more open and receptive to the blessings God bestows upon us daily.  Who knows, maybe a conversation with a cute Catholic guy may come out of it... ;)