As of the moment I start to write this, I am still 29 years old. In 6 hours, I enter my third decade.
And this little blog? It has remained neglected for the past 5 years and seems as though it is frozen in time. Depicting a girl I knew long ago, capturing snapshots of her life, reminding me that I still carry her within me. I am grateful that I wrote the reflections I did here in 2013, and perhaps I will be happy in 2033 to look back once again, hopefully with newfound wisdom and a life full of gratitude as I enter what will firmly be middle age.
Dear 19 year old me,
Dear sweet, sweet girl. I remember. I remember the pain, the loneliness, the confusion. The long summer dresses of 2013, the paleo diet, and med schooler who captured your heart and imagination. I remember the pain of rejection and the mysterious locution you heard shortly afterwards, as though it were a dream, "you are worthy."
I remember that at 19-almost-20 you hadn't yet gone through some of the most painful, marking moments of your life. You were but 3 and a half years after the illness of your mother, and three years after the magical French governor's school. Two and a half years after the worst winter of your life. Girly, I want to tell you ONE THING. NONE of that was normal, and you shouldn't have gone through any of it. These end of your teen years, early 20s, you deserved support, care, tenderness, and reassurance. And instead, you faced rejection and attack. None of it was your fault, sweet girl.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQht2yOX9Js
Let me give you insight to what will happen: You will develop an eating disorder the end of 2013. It will be horrible. Sleep paralysis will plague you, your skin will flare up from your picking at it. Third year would not be what you wanted it to be.
BUT you will also start to go to daily Mass again at the beginning of 2014. Every day. And then one day you'll learn about emotional abuse and things will begin to make sense. A strange lady on a park bench will tell you you'd make a great nurse practitioner or physician assistant and in your innocence and hopefulness... you'll bravely believe her and start to purse that career which will lead to spiritual and physical healing for other.
2014-2015 you'll learn about the reality of spiritual healing. Then Fr. Thomas will help you with Unbound and you'll realize... God, angels, and the devil.... they are all real.
2016 will roll around and the world will start to turn upside down...
Then in 2017... the White House, that is all I will say.
2018-2019 will bring much darkness
and when it all seems like it will implode... healing, a miracle, liberation, amidst a wild, global pandemic in 2020.
Healing slowwly but surely, sometimes taking one step forward and three steps back. But healing nonetheless.
Sweet girly, you are in for some major lows but even in the darkest moments, there truly is light. And the light only grows with each passing year. You are in for doubt and confusion at times, questioning the faith, but then miracles that restore and unexpected friendships in the nick of time.
I wish I could go back and hug you. Tell you how beautiful you ARE. I know you won't believe me. But then I'll tell you... "it's not your fault." And you'll know, and I'll ask you to take it to heart, my brave, brave girl.
You're in for a wild ride, with unexpected twists and turns, frogs and even witches! But you ARE a princess, so what did you expect? ;)
