Why hello again my dear blog, didn't expect to see me back so soon did you? But SURPRISE, or rather SURPRISE (in case you couldn't tell, that was "sur-preese" à l'intonation française... the catch phrase of the days of the French Academy... un souvenir que je cheris beaucoup :) ) ... I have returned with a vengeance! (not really but I've always wanted to say that, and beware, one day I will!! ;) )
So what am I up to today, you ask? What sort of new revelation am I about to unfold to my loyal - or so I like to imagine (and I do have quite a good imagination, if I do say so myself) - readers? Alas, there are some things that I will not be so... expressly candid about... but I do intend to write in such a way that you get a certain gist of things.
At this point I will say utterly apologetically that this blog post will not follow any sort of linear thinking... I intend to reflect my current state of mind which is, I must confess, not following any sort of logic at all. Sorry, not sorry.
(I have all summer to be logical at my systems internship and with probability homework, and so I've allowed myself sporadic moments of... honest insanity)
All this being said...
I'm a structured kinda gal. (Hello, engineer much?) I wake up in the morning and fall into routine. I have a mental list of things I must get done and and when I've accomplished what I set out to do - if not more - I feel satisfied. "Good job, Aina" I say to myself, "another day done." It's my perfectionist nature, my ambition... and my crutch. It's good for "getting ahead," but it also becomes an armor I hide behind as the safety of the expected and a fall back for my self-worth as I work hard to hide any imperfections I perceive within myself.
But it's funny what God's grace does to ya. Ever since that last post back in May, I've been praying for God's healing. I've been trying to emulate the woman who'd been ill for so long... her courage in reaching out to Christ... her confidence in His healing. I've been recognizing that Christ sees me... He sees me everyday in my strivings and in my imperfections. He knows how broken I am and - guess what - He not only knows how to heal, but He wants to.
And so, slowly and gently, I've begun to find that I can do it - I can embrace my imperfections, I can be brave, I can find beauty in spontaneous moments that were never part of the plan.
I've realized that it's all about being vulnerable. Because to be vulnerable is to be open to love. It is alone the way we can love others and allow them to love us back.
Now, I'm beginning to embrace my vulnerability and to truly love my imperfections because I know that they are the indelible marks that make me me. And with it is coming freedom. And with it is even coming faith and trust in the Lord.
So, to conclude this post that I actually had no intention of writing today (but was a product of one of those spontaneous events, which, let me just say featured a very, well not composed Joy (looking up antonyms for composed was amusing and would be probably pretty revealing to any readers as to the situation I am sorta describing) who lost any verbosity she otherwise possessed):
Letting go of expectations and embracing imperfections - this, I am finding, is the true way to leading a joyful and fulfilled life.